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Ralph Nader
Can you believe it!? Ralph Nader is running for President! OMGWTFBBQM8!!! Whoudda tahunk it? Ralph Nader is the Ross Perot of the filthy, filthy liberals. Nader is such a watermelon that he is green - as in leader of the Green Party. In 2000, he lead the Green Party to an amazing two percent of the general vote! It is obvious this man must be stopped, unless his candidacy siphons votes away from the Democrats, in which case he should be supported whole-heartedly. Otherwise the Democrats have no scapegoat for their consistant failings. Nader was born on December 4, 1734, BC. After coming to America in 1767, he has been running in every American Presidential election since they began. Before becoming an American election-helper, Ralph was a consumer advocate, who first became famous for writing a book, Unsafe at Any Speed, against the Corvair, a car manufactured by the Chevrolet division of General Motors that required owners to not only read the owners' manual, but to follow it as well. Shocking! But no one did, so the car caused many fatal accidents all across America. Who needs seatbelts or gas tanks that don't easily explode, anyway? Belts just prevent one from being thrown clear of really cool-looking exploding gasoline fireballs, and were created so lazy ambulance drivers did not have to search for the body. As a result, Nader sued everyone, until someone said "uncle." YES, UNCLE!!!!! Which few did, but everyone remembered him as a champion for Republican causes like "small government" and "personal responsibility". Nader's Political Philosophy Nader believes poop in the pure and true form of politics that is untainted by or influenced by outside forces. To the untrained eye, his philosophy seems impractical, but that's because his critics believe it should occur in their version of reality. Topics Nader Has Yet To Weigh In On * the liberation of Iraq * the coming liberation of Iran * the lack of a plan for the liberation of non-Muslim North Korea * the PATRIOT Act * global warming * voting rights * NSA domestic warrantless wiretaps * torture * The Amazing Disappearing Habeas Corpus! * health care * manipulation of the definition of torture * mercenaries * the State Department shielding mercenaries * taxing the Internets * Pakistan What Nader would do if elected Unlike Hillary Clinton, Nader has no balls. As a result if he was elected President the following would happen. * Guns would be outlawed * The death penalty would be outlawed * All drugs would be legalized * Nuclear power would be outlawed * gas-burning cars would be would be outlawed * eating meat would be outlawed * The UN would run our foreign policy * Churches that refused to marry gays would be burned * all sex acts would be legalized * promotion of religion in a public place (including churchs) would be outlawed * Mexico would become a protectorate, effectively erasing the border * Heterosexual sex would be classifled as rape * The military would be disassembled * All theft by poor people would be referred to as "wealth redistribution" * White women who don't date black guys would be sent to reeducation camps America's Great White Hope Whenever the campaign season heats up, Nader is thawed from his natural frozen state of readiness to come to cable news' rescue. Despite Nader's amazing lack of substance in many issues of great import to America, he will one day become America's leader. It is almost certain that once he ascends to the Oval Office, someone will provide him the guidance he is currently lacking. Until that happens, Nader speaks out on TV whenever America needs him. Whenever America starts to see a difference between the two major parties, Nader is there! Whenever America sees an experienced leader who can govern, Nader is there! Whenever America's environment is threatened with protections, Ralph Nader swoops in to convince his followers that the environment doesn't care who can govern, just as long as the someone in charge has never been able to get elected, re-elected, hold office or work with people with different ideas. All the environment cares about is having a leader who sounds good. Just ask Nader, he'll be by in a little bit... Fun Facts *Stephen Colbert likes Nader because he splits the liberal vote, unlike Gail Parker who split the Republican vote *Stephen's grandmother actually died from not having a seatbelt. * Barack Obama stole the 2008 election from John McCain and from Ralph Nader. Thus, both conservatives and liberals should hate Obama * The four words most heard by Ralph Nader are "fuck you Ralph Nader" * is considered the King of Timing, as he never appears on TV unless an election is really close or if campaigns start to make sense * Nader is the Don Imus of politics: a man who made sense at one time, but who should seriously consider retiring. He did not, however, call anybody a "nappy-headed ho". *Nader is actually Cthulhu in disguise. Bored Cthulhu. In disguise. With Coco Puffs. *Nader is a bitter old man who called Obama an uncle tom after losing an election to him.